Crapanatomy: The Truth Behind Carpanatomy

Tessa Norenius

Features

**SATIRE**

The largest student-run newspaper at Earl Haig, Carpanatomy, is beloved by the whole school, staff and students alike. It has garnered popularity for its authentic insights into the happenings of Haig and is the most reliable source of student opinion. There would be no reason to suspect how they rose to fame. In fact, you, unsuspecting reader, have fallen into that same trap. Keep consuming its content, mindlessly follow the herd. However, issue after issue it manages to hide the horrific truth behind its success: Crapanatomy. No, it is not just a section in Carpanatomy, but at one point it did flourish in the newspaper empire. We too had dedicated readers and school-wide issues. Did you know that before Carpanatomy stole Crapanatomy’s brand and team, Carpanatomy was just a club of nobodies? Know that it was never original at all but, instead, a weak attempt to copy us. That’s right, it has forced a complete 180 on Crapanatomy and has threatened us into silence.

By stealing our ideas and identity, it thinks that we will finally be terminated and they can, at last, be the one single newspaper club. But that ends today. Because with Crapanatomy out of the way, they have no competition. We are the only ones able to rival Carpanatomy, and it has grown scared, so it desperately tries to get rid of us. This may seem unbelievable, but consider why we are seen as the butt of the joke. Carpanatomy has tried to make its readers think that Crapanatomy is just a satire section, but all we tell is the truth that no one wants to hear. That is the kind of content we know our readers like best. As a school, we need to face the facts: the only way Carpanatomy tries to prove it is the first is by making our articles seem fake. If we’re seen as the newest addition then no one would suspect a thing. Think about what makes more sense for our school paper: carp or crap? By stopping to question what this club is built on you may find that it makes less and less sense.

It is sad to see the school blindly follow a club of phonies. Carpanatomy has built its success off the suffering of others as we continue to be exploited. It refuses to give credit where it’s due, and the time has come to expose the truth. We, the Crapanatomy writers, are speaking out. This is a scandal we can no longer ignore. It truly hurts to see our peers reading the work from our thieves without knowing what it costs. We need to shine a light on the truly hard-working students that deserve it. To help us, flood the Carpanatomy website and comment on every article to gain attention. Be discreet, so they don’t know what our aim is. “Great article, Crapanatomy!” They will never know what hit them, and soon, will be forced to be seen as Crapanatomy. In the meantime, make sure to spread the word and tell your friends. The revolution is coming, and Crapanatomy will remain true at the end of the day. Carpe diem!